How do you tell your parents or in-laws to abide by your hair rules with your children?

So most people that know me well know my mother hates me and my sister’s natural hair. When we both went on our perspective natural hair journeys she told us we lost our beauty when we big chopped. She also said that we will never find a man or get a good job. Then when I started dating my husband and I told her he likes my hair she laughed in my face and told me he was just saying that to get me in the sack. He couldn’t possibly like my real hair. Even though we are married now she still thinks he’s lying about liking my hair. So one day we were having a conversation about kids and she said you’re going to perm your kid’s hair right? I told her no. She got upset and said I should force my kids to have a hard life. I told her they will be fine. Then she said half jokingly. “Well if I ever get to keep your daughter for the night I will get her a perm when you’re not around.” I said mom you’re not serious right? To this day I’m still not sure if she was joking. I kept saying if I ever have a girl it’s my child and I alone decide what her hair does till she’s old enough to make that decision. But my mother seemed to not understand that. Now fast forward some years later and my married big sister has a daughter. Watching her relationship with her in-laws has raised some new questions for me. How do you relay a message without ruffling feathers or starting a argument with the in-laws regarding your child’s hair care. Now my sister is really strict about what my niece eats and what diapers she wears but when it comes to the in laws she just let’s stuff go because if it makes them mad it makes her husband mad. It’s a really delicate situation. If I put a pic of her up on Facebook I get yelled at but if they feed her greens before she has teeth she lets it go. So the situation that got me thinking about this is ongoing. My sister, and I know now that if you put rubber bands in your hair it will get tangled up, pull it out, and break it off in pieces. However; even though she told the in laws not to put them in her Child’s hair they continue to do so. Even when she provided them with cloth hair ties they discard them and return the child with rubber bands in her hair. We buy more cloth hair ties. We put cloth ones in her diaper bag. She comes back with rubber bands. This has happened over and over for the last year till she told me to drop it. Then one day my niece came back to us with slightly straight hair and a burnt smell in her hair. It appeared someone had tried to press her hair. My sister said it might be because his family smokes, and the smell got in the babies hair. Like that’s better. Any who She’s 2 so I got upset. No 2 year old should be getting a press and curl. My sis ask them if they presses it and they said no so once again she said drop it because her husband thought she was calling his mom a lie. Then one day his sister picked up the baby and said y’all need to get this child’s hair together. It was in a twisted out like Afro. I thought it was cute seeing how my hair was the same way. This just keeps happening, and it makes me wonder how I will handle this type of situation when I have kids. It seems like both sides have no idea how to truly handle natural hair. My mom always calls me to do the baby’s hair when my sister is busy. She does not know how to braid or twist and when I try to show her she doesn’t seem to have the patients for it. This is probably the same situation with the mother In-law. They are both from a different time period with a different mindset and unwilling to change or consider that times have changed and people’s minds are different. They probably think it’s a fad like in the 70s to wear your hair out, and it could be. However; I’m still going to rock my hair popular or not and I plan on teaching my future daughter how to love and properly care for her hair. If I ever end up in this situation, I always said I would go off and say you can’t keep the child anymore till you abide by my rules. I’m not letting anyone step over me in regards to how I raise my child, but would I really do that? Probably not cause I’m a peaceful person. Still how do you stand firm on things you want for your child without there being a huge upset? I hope I figure this out before I’m in this situation myself. Maybe I won’t ever have to go through this. I’ve never had the hair conversation with my mother-in-law cause it was never an issue. I let her do her she lets me do me. She’s never made a side comment about natural hair or how she does not like it, so I would assume it does not matter to her. She seems like the type of person that does not judge based on looks like most people I know. M My mom thinks my mother-in-law probably does not like my hair but has never said so to be nice. I asked my husband and he said that’s not true. So for right now the question of how to handle this situation lye dormant in the back of my mind till I’m wiser, and a little better at conflict resolution. What are your thoughts?

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Scalp massaging scalp pain and my quest to find a solution.

Back in the day when I still had a perm. I had this male hairstylist that was heavenly to look at, and he really took care of my hair too. When he would wash my hair he would massage my scalp and make me have an out of body experience. None of my other old stylist had ever done something like that for me. It felt so good and relaxing even though it made me feel a little uncomfortable because a straight man that I was not dating was massaging my scalp into complete contentment. I think I might have passed out once. I know he put me to sleep twice to my knowledge. Did I mention he was fine.
 This was the first time I was introduced to scalp massaging to promote long hair growth. He told me he was trying to increase circulation to my scalp which I had never heard of, but my hair did grow like crazy. He was the first stylist that wanted my thick hair to grow long. Most hair stylist complained and tried to convince me to cut it short. When I wouldn’t comply they would tell me they need to clip my ends and cut it short any way without my permission. When my hair started growing I figured he knew what he was doing. 
One day I showed up for my appointment and he was gone. The lady that replaced him took one look at my long hair and said we need to cut this it’s to much work for me. After that I forgot about the massages for a while. That was untitled I saw a string of YouTube videos on massaging your scalp with essential oils to promote long hair growth. So yesterday I decided to give it a try. 
  I mostly thought of trying this out because my scalp is still really sore despite my refrain from updos and hair pins. Last week I did Minnie twist and unraveled them over time to revile a tiny tendril look of curls.  However to my dismay when I washed my hair yesterday my scalp seamed even more irritated and sore to the touch. 
When I started rubbing the sore patches in the top and sides of my scalp the pain subsided a little. 
I had done a deep condition regiment with Greek yogurt, apple cider vinegar and instead of my usual lavender oil I used peppermint oil. The peppermint oil made my scalp really tingly so I thought it’s already on my scalp so let’s try this massaging thing out to see if it will alleviate my scalp pain. 
    It did for a while but it came back after a some time had passed. The hairstyle I’m sporting this week probably isn’t helping 😦 
anyway I’m going to keep it up anyway. I don’t know why my hair is so sore. I’m not so sure it’s the hair pins anymore. It could be the scarf I tie around my head at night to keep my hair in place. Maybe it’s to tight. If this keeps up I may have to go to the doctor.  Really can’t afford that right now. 
The products I’ve been using are coconut oil,Aloe Vera juice, design essentials curling moose and twist spray. Dark and lovely au natural curling stuff( I only used a little. ) I washed with the nothing but clarifying shampoo. And Shea moistures African black soap conditioner to restore ph balance. That’s it.
    This week all I used was the coconut oil Aloe Vera juice and entwined argon oil. On a bright side my hair has grown. I can tell cause I’m starting to see my roots and my gray hairs are peaking out. That’s all I’ve been up to. If you have any tips please let me know. 

Shrinkage sucks

My hair is shorter than it use to be so when shrinkage happens it just ruins my mood a little. Basically for those who do not understand. If you are African American that has let your hair grow out in its natural texture it is liable to look different in the next hour after you style it.  Basically it will shrink up and look shorter. Now there are ways to stretch your hair using heat or other stretching hair styles. However this does not mean your hair is safe from reverting back and shrinking up. Most of the time for me it’s a toss up between what the weather is doing or what I’m doing. Like if it rains my hair will be moisturized by the water but once it drys it will shrink. My hair can be really unpredictable if I leave it out. If I pin it up and do tuck and roll type hair styles its more reliable. But as I mentioned in previous blogs I think I’m allergic to metal hair pins so I might have to start to style

 it in a different way that may be left out. So it really peeves me when I do such styles like twist outs wash and go’s and such and I lose my length before I get off the train for work. I hate it when people ask me did I cut my hair especially when they are black. They should know the deal. I hate it when people insinuate I put pieces in my hair when I do pinup styles because they think my hair was to short to do that. My hair is healthy so I’m not mad at that but it really shrunk up this week and its frustrating.   

Shrinkage sucks

My hair is shorter than it use to be so when shrinkage happens it just ruins my mood a little. Basically for those who do not understand. If you are African American that has let your hair grow out in its natural texture it is liable to look different in the next hour after you style it.  Basically it will shrink up and look shorter. Now there are ways to stretch your hair using heat or other stretching hair styles. However this does not mean your hair is save from reverting back and shrinking up. Most of the time for me it’s a toss up between what the weather is doing or what I’m doing. Like if it rains my hair will be moisturized by the water but once it drys it will shrink. My hair can be really unpredictable if I leave it out. If I pin it up and do tuck and roll type hair styles its more reliable. But as I mentioned in previous blogs I think I’m allergic to metal hair pins so I might have to start to style

 it in a different way that may be left out. So it really peeves me when I do such styles like twist outs wash and go’s and such and I lose my length before I get off the train for work. I hate it when people ask me did I cut my hair especially when they are black. They should know the deal. I hate it when people insinuate I put prices in my hair when I do pinup styles because they think my hair was to short to do that. My hair is healthy so I’m not mad at that but it really shrunk up this week and its frustrating.   

Shameless Maya meet up at the bean plus how my day went leading up to the meet.

So I’m just going to put it all out there. I had been planing to go to this meet up for a week and like in true fashion I was over thinking things and transformed into my old introvert self. I have  moments when I’m all fun and confident. Then I have times when I just can’t get my self out to be heard. In true gemini  fashion I have two personalities sometimes. So this is how my day went down. I knew that the meet up was from 5-7, and I also know I had to be at work that day at 6. I could take one train that would get me there at 4:30 or another that would get me there at 5:19. I also had to restyle my hair cause I fell asleep with out a bonnet or scarf. My hair was looking crazy,& I knew there would be people taking pics and video so I had to look good. So I went to my Pinterest board called natural hair styles and tried to find a quick cute style that would come across well on film. I decided to do twists cause that’s what I was feeling even though they are not a quick style. I knew it could take majority of my day, but I estimated if I worked on my hair from 8am to 1pm I could make the first train. Needless to say it took till about 3 because my mom kept calling me. She. Always. Gets mad when I’m doing my hair cause she thinks its weird to take so long on ones own head. She must have forgotten it use to take all of Saturday at the beauty shop when I had a relaxer. I don’t know why that’s normal to her but me taking all day. Anyway my hair was Loki g good. Parted to one side twist hanging down long. I had put clips in them to keep them form shrinking up because I had drenched my hair in aloe Vera before styling. When I was leaving the house I removed the clips and my hair was just bouncy and at shoulder length. I boarded the train and proceed to go to work and the meet up. While I was on the train  my hair was shrinking up without my knowledge. I thought my hair had dried. I got off the train and walked to the bean. As I got there I was looking around for Maya and a crowds of people. I did not see her but I did notice a large number of curly hair made up ladies sitting at the tables across from the bean. At first I thought I’m to late she left its 5:20 and that’s probably a school group on a field trip. Then I thought it doesn’t hurt to ask, and as I was about to approach the ladies one of them jumped up and screamed Maya!  I stopped dead in my tracks turned around and she was right behind me. She was late like me. Now here’s where I got kinda painfully shy. I say her inches from me and I froze scared to approach her like she was a dear in the woods that might run if I spook her. Yep I could have been the first to great her but I let  people walk past me and hug her and start talking to her. This started the trend for that meet up. I just kept letting people jump in front of me and talk over me. I felt like that guy in the movie office space. I finally got a couple of picks with her, but I hated how I looked in them. My eyes squint to much when I smile to hard. I also forgot to put on makeup on the train. I started feeling really self conches and out of place. Everyone seemed younger then me and way more put together. They were all extremely confident women that spoke up and looked gorgeous. I didn’t feel like I looked the part of a shameless maya fan. Plus my hair shrunk up and stopped looking cute in my opinion. After I took some pics with maya I looked at the clock on my phone and decided to get to. Work before I was late. So I mumbled to maya thank you I gotta get to work. It was nice meeting you, and ran off. She probably couldn’t here me because some of the young ladies in the group had started talking loud over me asking her something. I really wish I could have been the aggressive person that was screaming inside ” what is wrong with you talk dummy. I probably look weird to everyone.  At least when I posted some of the pics on Instagram Maya liked them. At least she was nice a polite. I really admire her attitude. I would like to be that out going one day soon. Cause right now the way I am has been holding me back in life. I need a change. Oh we’ll here’s some pictures. 

Edge control is a naturals best friend sometimes.

           Today I’ve been playing around with fishtail braiding and my edges were looking a little rough. So I dug into My hair product drawers and pulled out the little hair survival kit my wedding hairstyles gave me. I only used it once on the honey moon never on the actual wedding day.
         Any way she gave me this little vile of edge control that I have know idea what the name is. It’s so tiny if I used it regularly I’d be out of it in a week. I’ve been using it really sparingly, but when I do use it it really does the trick. It’s amazing, smells good and it doesn’t flake up. It’s like a heavy grease that makes my edges lay down just like I like them.
             I should call her and Ask what she used, but I have this weird fear of calling people especially when I haven’t talked to them in a while. The worse part is the longer I wait the worse it gets. Yeah I got problems.
            Other hair news. It seems like my hair is responding well to me using only natural products like coconut oil and aloe Vera juice. Today it even seemed longer when I was styling it.
            I got some soreness from my last hairstyle. I think it’s from the hairpins I’ve been using. I got those out of the survival kit the wedding stylist gave me also. The down side to them is all the black paint is pealing off and getting into my hair:(. 
            I’m wondering if I’m allergic to the metal. When I wear fake jewelry my neck, arms, & ears breakout with exzima. I often get soreness  and bumps on my scalp when I do pinup styles with hairpins. I’m wondering if the same rules apply for my hair that do for my sensitive skin? If so how will I do my pinup styles with out hair pins?